THE DECAYING CITY:

WELCOME TO BEAUTIFUL DOWNTOWN SAINT PAUL

By Anthony T. Eaton

Ah, Downtown Saint Paul. It’s not quite where the fun never stops—but more like where the fun pulled a U-turn sometime in the late ’90s and never looked back. Still, there are wonders to behold! Culture buffs can flock to the Ordway or the Fitzgerald Theater to prove they’re refined, while the Science and Children’s Museums are perfect for pretending, you’re still smart (or at least entertaining your kids until snack time).

I was born and raised in Saint Paul, and after a 20-year break—mostly to recover—I decided to move back Downtown. That’s how much I love this city: I voluntarily returned. And now, as a loyal resident trapped in this urban Twilight Zone, I feel obligated to offer tips to newcomers. Not out of civic pride, mind you, but as a form of survival training.

Transportation Tip #1: If you rent a car, congrats—you’re also renting a permanent relationship with a parking ramp. Street parking? What street parking? We’ve repurposed half of it for bike lanes, presumably for the two people who enjoy frostbite cycling in January. Summer doesn’t help. You still won’t find parking, but you can rent an e-bike to glide gracefully down one of our many scenic bike lanes to absolutely nowhere. And if you do spot an empty parking meter, it’s probably covered in plastic wrap with an angry red sign declaring it unusable—for reasons known only to God and Public Works.

Transit Tip #2: Thinking of taking public transit? Adorable. Please don’t. Unless you’re filming a documentary titled “Urban Despair: The Musical.” We do have a light rail system, which is technically functional in the way a haunted carousel is technically entertainment. I’ve ridden trains all over the world. Only in Saint Paul have I felt like I might need a tetanus shot and a therapist after a six-minute commute. Just call an Uber after dark. Or during daylight. Or, honestly, just don’t go outside.

Downtown Atmosphere: The architecture is gorgeous. Our Art Deco City Hall. The grand old Landmark Center. Our charming parks framed by crumbling sidewalks and the occasional shattered dream. But please avert your eyes from the boarded-up Alliance Bank Center and the high-end collection of vacant retail spaces. Picture it as a live-action museum exhibit titled “The Great Retail Exodus: A Timeline.”

And yes, there are folks experiencing homelessness, people in crisis, and others selling things that are definitely not on the menu at Cossetta’s. But hey, it’s all part of the city’s gritty je ne sais quoi. Nothing screams “urban renewal” like ignoring open-air drug deals and a guy in his underwear arguing with a fire hydrant.

Skyway Shenanigans: You must explore our world-famous skyway system—if only to experience the raw existential dread of being lost inside a 1970s-inspired hamster maze. The automatic doors are more of a vibe than a feature, and the directional signage was clearly designed by someone with a grudge against logic. Oh, and thanks to recent building closures, you’ll be going outside anyway. In winter. So wear layers. Lots of them.

Dining Delights: Looking for a bite on Sunday or Monday? Good luck, adventurer. Most restaurants operate on a strict “Tuesday to whenever-we-feel-like-it” basis. You’ll find a few open spots serving the usual bar food—because nothing says “night out” like three kinds of fried beige on a plate. For real food, plan ahead. Or bring snacks.

Retail Reality: Shopping in Downtown Saint Paul is a spiritual journey—mostly of mourning. We once had department stores, indie bookshops, and lively retail corridors. Today? It’s less “shopping district” and more “urban scavenger hunt.” If you find a boutique that’s open and stocked, buy something—anything. It’s like spotting a bald eagle: rare, majestic, and possibly endangered.

Natural Beauty: Minnesota summers can get hot, and if you’re hoping to cool off downtown, good luck finding shade—at least outside the parks. Most of the trees that once lined our streets have mysteriously vanished, like they owed the city money. What’s left are stumps and empty grates, perfect for tripping hazards or the occasional dog pit stop. Thankfully, our downtown parks do still have trees—and you’ll find them offering shelter to those experiencing homelessness, folks in mental health crises, and people openly using or selling drugs. It’s a little slice of urban reality wrapped in green space. Consider it eco-conscious people-watching.

So come visit! Welcome to beautiful Downtown Saint Paul, where every day is a choose-your-own-adventure story with slightly more danger and fewer restrooms. Bring your sense of humor. And maybe some pepper spray.